small island studio by 宣雄
Xiong Xuan Melancholy
我不喜欢人生来就不平等，你的血液、你的遗传、你的认知、你的天赋和对生命及艺术的感悟，这一切从一开始就注定了不平等，同一架飞机上为什么一等舱的座位要比三等舱要宽敞舒适很多？为什么伟大的艺术家似乎被神保佑筛选了一般要是个天赋迥异的男子，而且似乎从童年开始他便知道了自己的命运，就像米开朗基罗那样，终身为艺术而献身真到生命的终点？为什么长久以来我对素描的理解仅仅停留在用单线勾勒的轮廓，就像一张速写，没有任何一个老师告诉我素描是什么？直到有一天我终于注意到达芬奇的圣母子像水中的泥塑般似乎浑浑噩噩、含糊不清的明暗，朦胧的但是深刻而准确的光影，还注意到那幅画的尺寸几乎是life-sized，直到那时我才理解黑白灰的舞蹈是形体在空间中的旋转或是静止，不光暗部的明暗交界线会融化，亮部的轮廓线也会发光，似乎有萤火虫在引导她们，在黑暗中发出浅绿色的光。为什么出生贫寒家庭的孩子不应该学习艺术？说什么应该先解决温饱再谈论形而上的文学和艺术？为什么艺术是上等社会的娱乐所以下等人不应该触碰？我从很小的时候就梦见过一幅橘色方块的油画，从那时起我就爬上我家房顶画夕阳灿烂的晚霞，从baby时候开始我的爸爸妈妈就非常爱我，还有一个一直都很照顾我的小姐姐。那个时代决定了他们只能是社会的底层，我妈妈高中的时候是班级里的第一名，但是赶上了知青下乡，她的大学梦就成了泡影，所以当她手捧着我的大学录取通知书的时候，她激动得都哭了，好像我替她实现了大学梦。我的父母用他们微薄的肩膀扛起我们的家，当我告诉妈妈我喜欢画画的时候，他们没有砍断我的艺术的翅膀，而是把我送去县城里的少年宫，在那里我接受了启蒙教育，度过了一个快乐的童年。只可惜最开始的那些画都遗失了，我在我家墙上画的人物，鼻子中间只有一个鼻子眼儿。童年的时光像一颗晶莹的琥珀一样凝固了那个瞬间。我生来就是女孩，我不可能再重新出生一遍成为男儿身，我也不想结束此生，重新投胎在一个富贵的家庭，我喜欢现在的自己，我喜欢现在的生活，我喜欢我的画室，我喜欢画完了一天的功课后，骑着我的小红自行车出去转转，我也喜欢我的有小鱼图案的游泳衣，我还喜欢每天可以听听聪明的一休作为我一天的开始，还喜欢画画的间隙里吃点好吃的蝴蝶酥，还喜欢还喜欢好多好多……数也数不完。我不想现在就死掉，然后重新投胎为人，我珍惜现在的自己，艺术家的手需要从小时候起便开始练习手感，需要从小时候开始直至终生都不停的积累，对素描的感悟也好，对铅笔的控制也好，都是一点一滴的积累起来的，没有人能一下子就能画得像拉斐尔一样美，所有的努力都是值得的和有意义的。所以不要看不起自己，也不要埋怨父母没有给你更好的生活，在成长的过程中潜移默化的不知道学会了多少，所以人要心存感恩之心。我的妈妈上个月去世了，我决定画一张她的肖像来纪念她，她的性格里的天真、善良、温柔、耐心都遗传给了我，所以我才能跑画画的马拉松。我今年40岁整，我清楚的知道自己的坚强和敏感的心是最可贵的，心如磐石，毫不动摇。在接下来的一个decade里面，是纯粹的画画创作的时光。如果您喜欢我的作品，可以用一个大屏幕电视来看我的网站xiongxuan.net和用手机看的体验完全不同，您可以买一根导线把电脑和大屏幕电视链接起来，就能看到我的画了。自从我注意到达芬奇的圣母子几乎是lifesized的时候，我注意到画大幅的要比小幅的难很多，也要求更多的细致和工夫。我就告诉自己：长城也不是一天就造好的，也是一块砖一块砖地垒起来的，所以不用着急，慢慢来，一定会完成的。我记得我在念清华美院大一的时候，有一回陈老师握着我的手，和我说：有志者事竟成，只是慢慢来。陈老师，谢谢你，现在我明白你的意思了。我常想起一个芭蕾舞者对自己说的话：一天不练，自己知道；两天不练，同行知道；三天不练，观众知道。我也时常这样勉励自己。我记得陈老师还对我说：选择画画可以，但是你要付出代价。我现在听懂了。我选择不生孩子，把时间留给我的画笔。因为抚养孩子是全身心的付出和关爱，是重重的责任，和无比的快乐，这是我人生的缺失。我不能体会作妈妈是怎样的感受了。我在飞机场看到的孩子们，个个都很可爱，playful + happy. 不过我可以画他们，我很想画一幅哇哇大哭的小脸，满脸流淌着无辜的眼泪。我一直都喜欢德加画的芭蕾舞女，素描手稿、色粉笔和油画，都很喜欢，因为他画出了人物的真，他指着背景中那些作为陪衬的女孩们说这些小耗子没有未来，我懂他的意思，他是说她们因为太贫寒而没有希望，但是我不同意，看她们一个个穿着tutu、粉色的舞鞋、腰里系着蓝色的大蝴蝶结，那种青春的美和梦想，多么美好，多么让人羡慕，能在练功房的大镜子前面转一转就很有感觉，不是吗？宣宣给我看她画的卡通，我很后悔告诉她：画画不止是看你的手头工夫，很大程度上是要看你的家庭背景和社会关系。所以宣宣就没有选择选择画画这条路。我很后悔和她说了这样残忍的话，其实能学习画画的过程本身就是无比的快乐，就好像那些漂亮的小姑娘们穿上雪白的tutu一大大、二大大、三大大、四大大，跟着老师跳起来。就像灰姑娘站在舞台中间旋转，赢得了王子的心。没有人看不起她，所有的人，所有的小动物，所有的spirits都喜欢她，她虽然卑微，可是生命的光彩如晶莹的露珠，映出一个透明的梦。所以我不觉得不平等，我一直觉得自己是被blessed. 是的，是我的family 和善意的出现在我生命里的人们，还有你，小泽，谢谢你为我付出了那么多。你记不记得这是我给你起的中文名字：小泽。你喜欢吗？by Melancholy Xiong Xuan 宣雄 2025-6-12
Melancholy's hand-writing translate for people who do not know how to use google translate, on 2025-8-23: I do not like people are unfair since born, your blood, your genetics, your sense of knowledge, your talent, as well as your knowing about art, everything are different since born, why the first-class seat is far much more comfortable than third-class seat on the same airplane? Why great artist must be a blessed, selected man with dramatic talent, and it seems like he knows it since childhood, like Michelangelo devoted to art until end of his life? Why for so long the drawing I understand just limited as single line contours, just like a sketch, why nobody tell me what drawing is? Until one day I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is like a clay sculpture falling in water, it's blurry and ambiguous, but the dark shadow is deep and exact, and I also noticed that it is almost life-sized, until then I understand the dancing of black and white is the turning of form in space, turning or still, not only the dark determination will melt in darkness, the contour of light areas will change too, seems like firefly is leading them, sending light-green light in darkness. Why poor child in poor family shouldn't learn art? Why people say that the first thing should be food and clothing on basic level, and thereby they shouldn't talk about literature and art? Why they also say that art is entertainment for first-class, thereby third-class people shouldn't touch it? I dreamed of a painting of an orange cube since young, from then i climb the roof of my home to draw the beautiful sunset with pastel, my parents loved me so much since beginning, and I have a little sister looking after me since I was young. Because of that time, they could only become the lowest level of society, my mother was the first-prize in her high-school class, but she had to back home be a peasant, so her college-dream becomes a illusion, so she cried when holding my college information letter in hands, as if I made it for her. My parents carry along our little home with their thin shoulders, when I told my mother that I like drawing, they didn't cut down my wing of art, instead, they bring me to Children's Palace, I got the beginning education of art there, and I had a happy childhood there. It's a pity my beginning drawings are lost, I still remember my first drawings on the wall, the figures have only one nostril in the middle. The time of childhood seems like a transparent amber holding that moment. i am a girl since born, it's impossible to be born again to be a male, and I do not want to stop this current living, and be reborn again in a rich family, I like my current myself, I like my current life, I like my little studio, I like riding my little red bicycle around after I finish my drawing for today, I like my swimming suit with fish on it, and I like listening touching music at the beginning of the day, and when I am take a break, I can take a delicious cookie looks like a butterfly, and I like a lot more ……I even couldn't count them. I don't want to die now, and then be born again as a new baby, i treasure myself now, artist's hands need practice since young, no matter the sense of art, or the control of pencil, it's articulation from little by little, nobody can draw like Raphael all a sudden, all efforts are worthy and meaningful. So don't look down yourself, and don't complain your parents didn't give you a better environment, you learn a lot when growing up, that's why people should learn to be grateful. My mother died last month, and I decide do a small portrait for her, I got her kind, tenderness and patience from her personality, that's why I could run marathon of art. I am 40 years old now, I know it's so precious to have courage and will, my heart is like a stone, unmovable and still. In the following decade, it's going to be pure drawing time. If you really like my art, you can look at my drawings on my website on a big screen TV, it's a quite different experience from cellphone checking, you can buy a connection-wire connect your TV and your computer, so you can see my drawings now. Since I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is life-sized, I notice it's so much more difficult to draw large size than smaller size, and it requires more careful attention and time. So I tell myself: the great-wall is not finished within one day, it's accumulation of one brick after another brick, so don't be hurry, it will be done by time, it will be finished. I remember the first year of my university time, Dan holding my hands, told me that i appreciate your courage, but be yourself in time. Thank you, Dan, now I see what you mean. I remember a ballerina's words often, she said: one day not practice, you know; two days not practicing, your classmates know; three days not practicing, audience know. I encourage myself like this often. Dan also told me: you can choose art, but you have to pay price. I choose not to have a child, leaving all my time for my pencil. because it's a great deal of time and care to raise up a child, and it's severe heaviness of responsibility, and it's unparalleled happiness, it is a loss of my life. I couldn't experience how it feels to be a mother any more. I saw some children at the airport, they are playful and happy, and very cute. But I can draw them, I want to draw a little face crying, full of innocent tears. I like Degas' work all the time, drawings, pastels or paintings, i like them all, because he described their sincere heart, he pointing to the little girls in the background, say, these little rats do not have future, I know what he mean, he is saying they do not have hope due to their poverty. But I don't agree, look at them, everyone is wearing pink tutu, pink ballet-shoes, tie a big butterfly on the waist, how nicely the beauty of being young, how envious they are, you can feel a lot by just turning around in front of the dancing mirror, isn't it? Xuanxuan show me her sketch cartoon, I am so regret telling her: they do not only looking at your hand ability, they also check your family background and social relationships, so Xuanxuan didn't chose the art road. I am so regret telling so, actually, learning art itself is very happy, just like those happy girls on beautiful dress, turning around in front of the big mirror, just like the cinderella dancing in the middle of the stage, win the prince's heart. All people, all little animals, all spirits like her, even though she is minimal, but the glory of life shining like a dew, seems like a transparent dream. So I do not think it's unfair, for all the time, I feel like I am blessed, yes, it's my family and those friendly people entered into my life. by Melancholy 2025-8-23.
信的解读 --- 勾越
一段深刻且充满情感，不只是一段心事，更是一篇个人艺术哲学的宣言，我的老师通过这封信完成了自我灵魂的剖析和升华。
这封信，我将其分为五大部分：
一． 对不平等的深刻思考和最终和解
信件开头老师充满了愤怒和疑惑，质疑先天不平等的四部分：
其一天赋不平等，为什么天才如米开朗基罗天生就知晓自己的使命？
其二为资源不平等，用飞机舱位比喻社会资源分配的不公。
其三为认知不平等，为什么自己很晚才真正理解素描的真谛如达芬奇的朦胧光影，而无人早早指引自己。
其四为阶级与性别的不平等，为什么会有穷人不该学艺术，艺术是上等社会的娱乐的这种观念？为什么伟大的艺术家似乎总是男性？
老师并非停留在抱怨，而是通过回顾人生，完成了对不平等的颠覆，虽然起点不平等，但人生价值不在于比较，而在于自我的实现以及珍惜自己所拥有的一切。
二． 对自我身份和人生的接纳与热爱
核心有力的宣告，不羡慕他人，不可能一出生就是男儿身，也不想重新投胎在一个富贵家庭。以及深爱当下，”我喜欢现在的自己，我喜欢现在的生活”。大量列举了生活细节，小红自行车，小鱼泳衣，聪明的一休，蝴蝶酥。这是老师热爱生命，扎根当下生活的最有利证明，这需要强大的心态。
三． 对艺术之路的深刻领悟：努力与时间
解构天才论，后天的努力也有绝对的价值。
就像长城不是一天建成的，艺术家的手感，对素描的理解，对工具的控制，都是点滴间终生积累的成果。用芭蕾舞者的谚语，一天不练自己知道。道出艺术追求需要极致的自律和坚持。
选择画画可以，但是要付出代价。真正理解了老师的话并用自己的人生做出了选择，把时间留给了画笔，放弃了生育，虽然清晰的认识到这可能是一种人生缺陷但是这是权衡后主动选择的道路并坦然接受。
四． 对家庭和恩师的深切感恩
父母尽管是社会底层，但他们用微薄的肩膀扛起家，并“没有砍断我艺术的翅膀”而送她去学画。母亲也因老师实现大学梦的投影而哭泣，这些都是老师的力量源泉。
陈老师的有志者事竟成，只是慢慢来也体现了教育深远的影响。
如何做归因，那些性格中美好的品质，天真善良耐心来源于母亲的遗传。感恩成为看待世界的底色。
五． 对自己或引申到后辈的悔悟与期望
宣宣即代表自己也代表后辈，当年可能出于对现实社会的考量，而无意中扼杀了一个女孩对艺术的梦想而感到后悔：
学艺术的过程本身是无比快乐的，像小女孩们穿上芭蕾舞裙旋转，像灰姑娘一样。生命本身具有光彩和梦想的价值远超世俗的成功标准。
否定了自己曾今认同的“贫寒就没有希望”（这是德加的观点），而去赞美青春的美和梦想的美。
我的老师想表达给我：
“我承认世界存在巨大的不平等，但我拒绝被这种定义所束缚。我的价值由我的热爱、我的努力、我的选择和我所珍惜的关系所定义。我出身平凡且是女性，但我所获得的爱和支持让我无比富足。艺术之路漫长而需要牺牲，但我心甘情愿，并在此中找到了至深的快乐和宁静。我不再与他人比较，我珍惜我的全部。”
我能够理解我的老师：
我能够理解她的艺术观，理解她的人生选择，理解她一路走来的心路历程。我也能够感受到老师无声的鼓励：珍惜自己所拥有的，坚持自己所热爱的，不要被外在的不平等吓倒，生命的价值在于自身的耕耘和感悟。
她展现了一个艺术家最终的成熟：不仅用眼睛和手去画画，更是用整个生命历程去理解和诠释“为何而画”
我的老师是一位非常真诚、敏感且深刻的艺术家，能遇到这样的启蒙老师，是一件非常幸运的事。
等老师的创作完成后，我会用她希望的方式，超大屏幕去看她画的画。
This is Melancholy Xiong Xuan's personal website, just about my drawings, essays and some photos during drawing process, this is my everyday drawing life as an artist, I built up this small-island since 2013 at State College, PA. I know how precious to have your support, it is meaningful to drawing everyday, and it is meaningful that you see it on my website, it is like an isolated small island, away from lure from reality world, let me be dreaming, if you like my drawings, I will be so appreciating your support, thank you very much. contact: melancholysmallislandstudio@gmail.com or xiong.xuan@gmail.com if you would like to read more about my story and my art, you can find it in "about" as well as "essay".