我不喜欢人生来就不平等，你的血液、你的遗传、你的认知、你的天赋和对生命及艺术的感悟，这一切从一开始就注定了不平等，同一架飞机上为什么一等舱的座位要比三等舱要宽敞舒适很多？为什么伟大的艺术家似乎被神保佑筛选了一般要是个天赋迥异的男子，而且似乎从童年开始他便知道了自己的命运，就像米开朗基罗那样，终身为艺术而献身真到生命的终点？为什么长久以来我对素描的理解仅仅停留在用单线勾勒的轮廓，就像一张速写，没有任何一个老师告诉我素描是什么？直到有一天我终于注意到达芬奇的圣母子像水中的泥塑般似乎浑浑噩噩、含糊不清的明暗，朦胧的但是深刻而准确的光影，还注意到那幅画的尺寸几乎是life-sized，直到那时我才理解黑白灰的舞蹈是形体在空间中的旋转或是静止，不光暗部的明暗交界线会融化，亮部的轮廓线也会发光，似乎有萤火虫在引导她们，在黑暗中发出浅绿色的光。为什么出生贫寒家庭的孩子不应该学习艺术？说什么应该先解决温饱再谈论形而上的文学和艺术？为什么艺术是上等社会的娱乐所以下等人不应该触碰？我从很小的时候就梦见过一幅橘色方块的油画，从那时起我就爬上我家房顶画夕阳灿烂的晚霞，从baby时候开始我的爸爸妈妈就非常爱我，还有一个一直都很照顾我的小姐姐。那个时代决定了他们只能是社会的底层，我妈妈高中的时候是班级里的第一名，但是赶上了知青下乡，她的大学梦就成了泡影，所以当她手捧着我的大学录取通知书的时候，她激动得都哭了，好像我替她实现了大学梦。我的父母用他们微薄的肩膀扛起我们的家，当我告诉妈妈我喜欢画画的时候，他们没有砍断我的艺术的翅膀，而是把我送去县城里的少年宫，在那里我接受了启蒙教育，度过了一个快乐的童年。只可惜最开始的那些画都遗失了，我在我家墙上画的人物，鼻子中间只有一个鼻子眼儿。童年的时光像一颗晶莹的琥珀一样凝固了那个瞬间。我生来就是女孩，我不可能再重新出生一遍成为男儿身，我也不想结束此生，重新投胎在一个富贵的家庭，我喜欢现在的自己，我喜欢现在的生活，我喜欢我的画室，我喜欢画完了一天的功课后，骑着我的小红自行车出去转转，我也喜欢我的有小鱼图案的游泳衣，我还喜欢每天可以听听聪明的一休作为我一天的开始，还喜欢画画的间隙里吃点好吃的蝴蝶酥，还喜欢还喜欢好多好多……数也数不完。我不想现在就死掉，然后重新投胎为人，我珍惜现在的自己，艺术家的手需要从小时候起便开始练习手感，需要从小时候开始直至终生都不停的积累，对素描的感悟也好，对铅笔的控制也好，都是一点一滴的积累起来的，没有人能一下子就能画得像拉斐尔一样美，所有的努力都是值得的和有意义的。所以不要看不起自己，也不要埋怨父母没有给你更好的生活，在成长的过程中潜移默化的不知道学会了多少，所以人要心存感恩之心。我的妈妈上个月去世了，我决定画一张她的肖像来纪念她，她的性格里的天真、善良、温柔、耐心都遗传给了我，所以我才能跑画画的马拉松。我今年40岁整，我清楚的知道自己的坚强和敏感的心是最可贵的，心如磐石，毫不动摇。在接下来的一个decade里面，是纯粹的画画创作的时光。如果您喜欢我的作品，可以用一个大屏幕电视来看我的网站xiongxuan.net和用手机看的体验完全不同，您可以买一根导线把电脑和大屏幕电视链接起来，就能看到我的画了。自从我注意到达芬奇的圣母子几乎是lifesized的时候，我注意到画大幅的要比小幅的难很多，也要求更多的细致和工夫。我就告诉自己：长城也不是一天就造好的，也是一块砖一块砖地垒起来的，所以不用着急，慢慢来，一定会完成的。我记得我在念清华美院大一的时候，有一回陈老师握着我的手，和我说：有志者事竟成，只是慢慢来。陈老师，谢谢你，现在我明白你的意思了。我常想起一个芭蕾舞者对自己说的话：一天不练，自己知道；两天不练，同行知道；三天不练，观众知道。我也时常这样勉励自己。我记得陈老师还对我说：选择画画可以，但是你要付出代价。我现在听懂了。我选择不生孩子，把时间留给我的画笔。因为抚养孩子是全身心的付出和关爱，是重重的责任，和无比的快乐，这是我人生的缺失。我不能体会作妈妈是怎样的感受了。我在飞机场看到的孩子们，个个都很可爱，playful + happy. 不过我可以画他们，我很想画一幅哇哇大哭的小脸，满脸流淌着无辜的眼泪。我一直都喜欢德加画的芭蕾舞女，素描手稿、色粉笔和油画，都很喜欢，因为他画出了人物的真，他指着背景中那些作为陪衬的女孩们说这些小耗子没有未来，我懂他的意思，他是说她们因为太贫寒而没有希望，但是我不同意，看她们一个个穿着tutu、粉色的舞鞋、腰里系着蓝色的大蝴蝶结，那种青春的美和梦想，多么美好，多么让人羡慕，能在练功房的大镜子前面转一转就很有感觉，不是吗？宣宣给我看她画的卡通，我很后悔告诉她：画画不止是看你的手头工夫，很大程度上是要看你的家庭背景和社会关系。所以宣宣就没有选择选择画画这条路。我很后悔和她说了这样残忍的话，其实能学习画画的过程本身就是无比的快乐，就好像那些漂亮的小姑娘们穿上雪白的tutu一大大、二大大、三大大、四大大，跟着老师跳起来。就像灰姑娘站在舞台中间旋转，赢得了王子的心。没有人看不起她，所有的人，所有的小动物，所有的spirits都喜欢她，她虽然卑微，可是生命的光彩如晶莹的露珠，映出一个透明的梦。所以我不觉得不平等，我一直觉得自己是被blessed. 是的，是我的family 和善意的出现在我生命里的人们，还有你，小泽，谢谢你为我付出了那么多。你记不记得这是我给你起的中文名字：小泽。你喜欢吗？by Melancholy Xiong Xuan 宣雄 2025-8-12.
韩博：至亲之人离去会叫自己重新审视生命的意义，我能理解你的感受，绘画其实在我看来更重要的是过程，是一种修炼，是一种自我救赎的方式，不管是素描也好色彩也罢，都只是一种形式，我门在不同的形式里了解自己了解人类，了解宇宙，阶级自古就存在，那是社会产物，跟纯粹的艺术无关，如果追求纯粹那就不比在意外在，你是独特的，不论好与坏
王烁：是的啊！其实感觉年龄越大越做点单纯的事很好。宣雄能画画，简单的画画，其实就很好的。我自己最近也有类似的感受，可能这东西确实不用管那么多的事，比方你问的那些为什么，其实换个人也有一样的问题，投胎之后可能还是一样的。所以这个或许不是真正的问题吧。有时候不用想太多挺好的就凭着自己的感觉来就好了。希望宣雄开心的画画，快乐的生活。[太阳]
Melancholy's hand-writing translate for people who do not know how to use google translate, on 2025-8-23: I do not like people are unfair since born, your blood, your genetics, your sense of knowledge, your talent, as well as your knowing about art, everything are different since born, why the first-class seat is far much more comfortable than third-class seat on the same airplane? Why great artist must be a blessed, selected man with dramatic talent, and it seems like he knows it since childhood, like Michelangelo devoted to art until end of his life? Why for so long the drawing I understand just limited as single line contours, just like a sketch, why nobody tell me what drawing is? Until one day I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is like a clay sculpture falling in water, it's blurry and ambiguous, but the dark shadow is deep and exact, and I also noticed that it is almost life-sized, until then I understand the dancing of black and white is the turning of form in space, turning or still, not only the dark determination will melt in darkness, the contour of light areas will change too, seems like firefly is leading them, sending light-green light in darkness. Why poor child in poor family shouldn't learn art? Why people say that the first thing should be food and clothing on basic level, and thereby they shouldn't talk about literature and art? Why they also say that art is entertainment for first-class, thereby third-class people shouldn't touch it? I dreamed of a painting of an orange cube since young, from then i climb the roof of my home to draw the beautiful sunset with pastel, my parents loved me so much since beginning, and I have a little sister looking after me since I was young. Because of that time, they could only become the lowest level of society, my mother was the first-prize in her high-school class, but she had to back home be a peasant, so her college-dream becomes a illusion, so she cried when holding my college information letter in hands, as if I made it for her. My parents carry along our little home with their thin shoulders, when I told my mother that I like drawing, they didn't cut down my wing of art, instead, they bring me to Children's Palace, I got the beginning education of art there, and I had a happy childhood there. It's a pity my beginning drawings are lost, I still remember my first drawings on the wall, the figures have only one nostril in the middle. The time of childhood seems like a transparent amber holding that moment. i am a girl since born, it's impossible to be born again to be a male, and I do not want to stop this current living, and be reborn again in a rich family, I like my current myself, I like my current life, I like my little studio, I like riding my little red bicycle around after I finish my drawing for today, I like my swimming suit with fish on it, and I like listening touching music at the beginning of the day, and when I am take a break, I can take a delicious cookie looks like a butterfly, and I like a lot more ……I even couldn't count them. I don't want to die now, and then be born again as a new baby, i treasure myself now, artist's hands need practice since young, no matter the sense of art, or the control of pencil, it's articulation from little by little, nobody can draw like Raphael all a sudden, all efforts are worthy and meaningful. So don't look down yourself, and don't complain your parents didn't give you a better environment, you learn a lot when growing up, that's why people should learn to be grateful. My mother died last month, and I decide do a small portrait for her, I got her kind, tenderness and patience from her personality, that's why I could run marathon of art. I am 40 years old now, I know it's so precious to have courage and will, my heart is like a stone, unmovable and still. In the following decade, it's going to be pure drawing time. If you really like my art, you can look at my drawings on my website on a big screen TV, it's a quite different experience from cellphone checking, you can buy a connection-wire connect your TV and your computer, so you can see my drawings now. Since I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is life-sized, I notice it's so much more difficult to draw large size than smaller size, and it requires more careful attention and time. So I tell myself: the great-wall is not finished within one day, it's accumulation of one brick after another brick, so don't be hurry, it will be done by time, it will be finished. I remember the first year of my university time, Dan holding my hands, told me that i appreciate your courage, but be yourself in time. Thank you, Dan, now I see what you mean. I remember a ballerina's words often, she said: one day not practice, you know; two days not practicing, your classmates know; three days not practicing, audience know. I encourage myself like this often. Dan also told me: you can choose art, but you have to pay price. I choose not to have a child, leaving all my time for my pencil. because it's a great deal of time and care to raise up a child, and it's severe heaviness of responsibility, and it's unparalleled happiness, it is a loss of my life. I couldn't experience how it feels to be a mother any more. I saw some children at the airport, they are playful and happy, and very cute. But I can draw them, I want to draw a little face crying, full of innocent tears. I like Degas' work all the time, drawings, pastels or paintings, i like them all, because he described their sincere heart, he pointing to the little girls in the background, say, these little rats do not have future, I know what he mean, he is saying they do not have hope due to their poverty. But I don't agree, look at them, everyone is wearing pink tutu, pink ballet-shoes, tie a big butterfly on the waist, how nicely the beauty of being young, how envious they are, you can feel a lot by just turning around in front of the dancing mirror, isn't it? Xuanxuan show me her sketch cartoon, I am so regret telling her: they do not only looking at your hand ability, they also check your family background and social relationships, so Xuanxuan didn't chose the art road. I am so regret telling so, actually, learning art itself is very happy, just like those happy girls on beautiful dress, turning around in front of the big mirror, just like the cinderella dancing in the middle of the stage, win the prince's heart. All people, all little animals, all spirits like her, even though she is minimal, but the glory of life shining like a dew, seems like a transparent dream. So I do not think it's unfair, for all the time, I feel like I am blessed, yes, it's my family and those friendly people entered into my life. by Melancholy 2025-8-23.
Is Van Gogh a failure?
Of course not. He is a huge success, brilliant colors, great paintings. Who doesn't want to have a painting from Van Gogh today? We read his letters between the two brothers, we are moved, because he is such a sincere artist, very eager with what he is doing, always challenge himself, to get a higher level. He loved this world, not just from an artist's eye, but also from a human being, the starry starry nights, blooming sunflowers, pine-trees, cottages, even his shoes, as well as his self-portraits, are trace of him used to living on this world. I love his pen ink drawings of landscapes, poplar trees, pounds, water-reflections, grass, as well as birds, everything, everything from his hands seems so vivid-living, so alive, right in front of your eyes, you can even touch it, even sense the small of the wet soil, I mean the texture and the atmosphere were described so perfectly. He has pity, he will help if he meet someone needed a hand, and he never scorn or judge others, especially towards the poor, even though he never rich. If there were no Theo, there wouldn't be Vincent, his brother's support was crucial for his career. Theo was an art dealer, but he never put Vincent's work on an exhibition, or show it to anyone privately, because he thought it's not good enough, after all he was self-taught, there are so many things he didn't learn, necessary, such as composition rules, balance, mood, contours, forms, as well as light and shadows, everything so important for an artist. He was learning by himself, especially in color theory, and he experienced with paintings, he was doing well. But not everything was written on books, you must learn by actually doing it, especially drawing. Drawing is very very difficult to learn, or to even master it, you need to learn how to control your pencil, it's very delicate and hard to describe. During the time Vincent Van Gogh living on this world, there was nobody pay his works, nobody phrase his paintings, nobody talk about art with him, nobody respect him, nobody applause for him. He was ignored and neglected. He didn't give up, everyday has new sunshine, new hope, he see and paint, see and paint, his little room always full of beautiful paintings. Now if you visit Van Gogh museum, you will see his work on museum wall, very highly respected. Isn't everything too late? Why wouldn't people treat him better when he was alive? Why people wouldn't notice his colors shining, his paintings smiling? Why nobody buy his work to help him pay some more art-material? Would people regret when they look back, they didn't recognize he was a great artist? You may say, artists are like stars, so many, shining beautifully, how could we pick up everybody? But look at Van Gogh's example, isn't everything extra too late? Maybe not, a lot of people love him today, love his paintings, drawings as well as his letters with Theo. Maybe it's not.
I am a pencil drawing artist, I only do drawings, I love drawing so much, I hope that I could keep drawing until I am 89 years old, because Michelangelo kept working until last day of his life, at 89 years old. You may laugh at me so silly, because life is so risky and moving every single day, you could not be sure about tomorrow, it's not a stable safe everyday life. Man can change mind, and change life. True, but as long as I still live here, still have my small-island studio, I will keep drawing. I am not rich, but I am happy, I have hope in my heart, it's like everyday has new sunshines, new rainbows, I have fresh air to breath, and clear water to drink, dull to be the basic level of living. It's fair at this point. I have my Theo in my life, so I am not totally helpless alone. Don't worry about me, next time you see me, I may be able to put on my small-sized dress on, to the end of the summer in my lifetime. i couldn't teach students right now, because during the following 15 years, it's going to be pure fine-art time, just drawing everyday and every night. I like working at night, when it's relatively quieter, I do not play Van Gogh audiobook at night, so that I can hear my pencil strokes, and I could have thoughts at night. I am so glad found some piano gentle music on youtube, I like it very much, each piece of music is short, about 5 minute, no composition obviously, it seems like the pianist is playing it randomly, just the melody, or just some sparking moments, like morning sunshine on stone steps, nearby an old oak tree. I do not have a very longterm plan, just a couple of works in my mind, I usually have new ideas when I am doing this one. A couple of new work, will take two years. I will try something new each time, so it wouldn't be repeat all the time. It's hard to make some changes, because everyone has his habits, and accustomed to his old habits. But I will try. When I miss someone, I feel close to the person for a while, and then I keep drawing. People may walk away, but my pencil wouldn't, it will always with me, until it become too difficult to continue, then I will take a break, and then continue. I like your paper-garden, it's very very beautiful, keep painting and drawing, I like your work, all the time, and I will see your paper-garden once a while. by Melancholy on September 25,2025.
a conversation with Tom on October 1: I think drawing is the illusion, it's light and shadow, it's forms, it's atmosphere, it's sculpture in water, it's fading, it's ambiguous contours, it's warm and cold, it's candles, and it's orange color-pencil, and it's a rainbow. Because when you are drawing, you feel exciting in the process. Once it's done, you leave it on the easel for some time, because you still want to see it. After a couple of days, you may put it down, as if the emotion has gone, and then I will put it in a plastic bag, put it on my bed. I have a storage-room with two beds, one bed is for my drawing papers, I have 200 drawing papers, the other bed is for finished drawings. I have 30 drawings right now, large scale works. I think I will draw another 15 years here, at this small-island studio, it's just my living-room, but I call it my small-island studio, because I like it so much. When I am drawing, I am myself, I am real Melancholy. And drawing is hope, because I see glory, I see I have a beautiful exhibition, and books, I'll print books with my exhibition, I'll win success, I will be appreciated, the world will treasure my drawing, and hold it nicely. Sometimes i am super sad, and very depressed, loose all the courage, and loose all the hope, and I feel I am so desperate, nobody can help me. And then I tell myself: no matter how tyou feel, keep drawing, let the hands keep working, and you will walk out of the depressed circle. It's like a circle you are in it, not always hopeful and happy, sometimes feel low and depressed. Especially when those ghosts talking around me, they are so good at making me anxious and hit me down, as if they are happy with it. But when I play audible book, play music, they listen too. Gradually they feel like they can get along with me, and be nicer to me, and I got treated a little bit better. But when they hurt my eyes, I suddenly see all the sutle details, even including all the omissions and the texture of the paper even could be seen. My eyes feel so uncomfortable, and I feel badly, and then I have to stop for a couple of hours. I just learn English for 3 hours, or 5 hours, and then back to the drawing. The drawing feels good for me. I think drawing is my best friend. A friend, or a lover, may leave you, the emotion, the friendship could be over, when people's situation changed, maybe they changed a location, no longer see the person very often any more, or because the person get tired of you, think you are boring, and you have nothing, you have no content, you are ignorant, you don't know anything about contemporary art, you don't know anything about the art scene, you even don't know the famous movie-stars who they are, you are so ignorant, a hillbilly, they used say me like that. But that is ok, i am myself when i am drawing, the real artist, when I am drawing, it's me, it's not the beautiful Melancholy in front of the mirror, with the beautiful dress. Or riding the bicycle, that's me. I like riding bicycle very much, i wish i can ride bicycle every day, just a big circle around my community, it's a half an hour riding, and sometimes uphill, I have to push the bike uphill, and then when it's downhill, I am so fast, i like the wind blowing my face, blowing my hair, I just rushing down. And there is a huge supermarket on the way, sometimes I stop there to go to bathroom, sometimes buy some delicious cookies there. There are local women making cookies and sell at the supermarket, I like it so much. It's a big box, a big box of cookies, just a couple of dollars, it's really well, really delicious. And I like living here, I like this area, and there is a pool so close, I walk there 15 minutes, and I like swimming so much. When I am swimming, I take a break from the drawing. You know, when you keep working, you have the intensity of work, you feel the seriousness, it's so serious, so intense,. When you keep working for 30 hours, I work 30 hours everyday, and then I learn English for a couple of hours, and then I watch a movie to the end, so i have entertainment, I have trophy, with a movie. So I can feel. If I don't watch anything, I do not have new content, I will back to old memories, I do not have anything new, I;ll become super boring, so I will watch a movie or TV series, to stimulate myself. And i like talking with you, not just practice English, we could be best friends, we are old friends for so long, and I feel close with you, I feel so warm with you, and you are so patient so nice to me. I think we can read Jackson Pollock after Van Gogh, it's a huge book, 900 pages, I have bought 2 books right now, i will send you one, but I wouldn't read it through first, to mark the new words, it's going to be with you entirely, you will guess what's new words for me, you just try. Read, explain new words, and read it again, it's really a good method. Sometimes when i am drawing, I listen to your recording, like last week, I listened Tom's recordings of chapter 29. I totally forgot what I told you, what i was talking with you, during the reading, and it surprise me what I said, because when I am recording, it's not just audible book, it's also our conversation, our thoughts, especially when we talk about the printings on the book, it's very interesting the art thoughts, how you look at it. So when i finish a drawing, I will send it to you, so you will see my work, so you will know me a little bit better. And I would like to see your feedback, what you think about it. I didn't give up, even though i don't have exhibitions, i don't have chance, because my drawings are too big, it wouldn't fit in any gorup shows, and it's too difficult to put on frames, and signed to a place, it's too big. So i will wait until someday some people will appreciate my work, and would like to help me, but it's so rare, opportunities are so rare. Hao told me don't think about far away things, so you wouldn't be depressed, wouldn't be frustrated, maybe he is right. But I have my website, people can see my work on my website, I noticed there are some people look my website each month, I don't know who they are, where they are, but they seem like a hope for me, because the world could see my work, and i can see it by myself. It's difficult to look at computer documents about my early drawings, it;s easier to look at them on my website. I talked too much to you!
Tom: Yes! That's good! I appreciate all the things you said, you are usually so quiet, I am reading whole time. You have one character of being great artist, you are very extreme, ordinary artists, they paint still-lives, whatever it is, they are too comfortable, but you are very extreme, you have dedication to drawing, to working on your art, is so much progress, than most other American artists, most other artists I ever met, so that's something makes you so special, I think. and I think I said that before, Americans have short attention, i have short attention, you can't concentrate on the same thing for a long period of time, you have to stand up and walk around, you have to talk to someone. You want to dedicate to something, but your attention very short, you listen to audible book in stead of reading a book, because when I start reading a book by myself, my mind start going here, there, everywhere, I can't concentrate words for long time at all. That's the way most people are, they don't draw everyday, they don't draw 20 hours at a time, so I think that's the extreme nature, that's what make you someone stand out as an artist, you almost have to be really extreme. If you are born in a wealthy family, that can help. But we were not born in wealthy family, we have to be extreme. And when it comes to art, you a lot more extreme than I am. Mine is like a hobby, I dedicated on for many many years, but i don't do a lot everyday,
Melancholy: Daytime is burning, half an hour is just like 5 minutes,
Tom: I appreciate our friendship and glad to read together,
Melancholy: Do you like your drawings and paintings?
Tom: Yes. It took a long time to feel like I can do something,
Melancholy: Do you think only rich people and smart people should make art, the rest could only become audience for them, envy them, jealous them, but they couldn't help themselves, they couldn't make effort to win, because it's so competitive. Tom: I think success really doesn't matter, look at Van Gogh, he wasn't successful, but he made a lot of paintings, totally touch people who seeing them. So success doesn't matter. But i think you do have to make good art, whether it's going to be successful or not, it's like a chance, it might be, it might not, but you do have to make good art that;s meaningful.
Melancholy: Yes, especally for yourself, especially when noone appreciate.
Tom: You know, most artists aren't be successful, that's the way the market works, when i was in college, they told me: 99% of artist who get a bachelor degree don't ever work the arts, they won't, they do things totally different than arts. I have a day job, so it's very difficult to stick on art, be a professional artist, that's all you do, to make money, 99% it's like one in 2000 people I think, i think it's even less than that, one in 5000 people who are artist.
Melancholy: I have a plan, for a decade, or for 15 years, from now on, it's going to be pure fine art time, just drawing everyday, because right now i am at golden age right now, i train myself drawing all these years, I do not have difficulties about drawing any more, for example composition, how to start a work with sketch, sketch contours to set up structure of a work, to be able to keep working on it. I do not have difficulties to draw light and shadow effect, I can render pictures perfect well, because I understand forms with shadows very well, and I learn from masters every day, i understand drawing very well, i am exciting about drawing. So I am sure during the 15 years, I will make some perfect drawings, and I am sure i will do some trash work also. Even i do my best, some work will look bad. And then, I should have a show, that would be until I am 55 years old. It's going to be the age most people retired, but my career just started at that time. I counted my paper, i have 200 drawing papers right now, and I counted my pencil leads, art material, it's going to last 15 years from now on, so it's perfect timing. I'll finish all my art material, change the papers to become drawings. And then I should make a change. I may tired of drawing by that time, after working for so long, without a support, I may give up by that time. But i tell myself: I should keep drawing until I am 89 years old, because Michelangelo lived until 89. And he was keep sculpting until died. He is a good example for me. He is a hero for me. I will work hard like him.
Tom: the drawing you sent me, i think it's much much better drawing with the baby, without the baby, it just becomes something everyone can understand, but the baby add the quality, why there is a baby lay in the middle of the foreground? So by adding that little element, people can't explain, it doesn't make sense, it totally changed that picture, it becomes less traditional normal picture, something mystery, something makes people think, so it makes it so much better. It doesn't hear the music as well as other people, he doesn't understand everyone is so talented making the music.
Melancholy: That's myself. That's keep doing myself, no matter how crowded, how noisy the world is, no matter what other people are doing, they are social with galleries, they are having openings, they are having exhibitions, printing books, they are having sales, but I should keep doing what i am doing right now, and be myself, don't be influenced by others, don't envy them, just thinking drawing itself is what i want, it's the only thing I want to do.
Melancoly: i was talking about Paris or New York with my husband the other night, right now i am glad to talk about it with you, and question you what you think about it. i was reading Van Gogh, he came to Paris, all sudden his painting changed, because he see Monet, Renoir, Degas, Manet, all these people's works, he see the impressionist's bright light, bright colors, all a sudden, his work becomes brighter, colorful, that's a huge change in his stuyle, and in his mind, he suddenly understand the nature, he becomes so much better, so much amazing than it used to be, than he was doing farmers with brown tones. His work become colorful and brighter. And then he try to participate in the art scene, to make exhibition at restaurants, to hang his paintings on the wast walls of the restaurant, until he got an argument with the boss, the proprietor canceled the exhibition, and ordered him get out of my restaurant! it's a failure exhibition of course, but it's a try, we can see he want to succeed, he see the allure of success, and trying, why Theo wouldn't show his work, since he is showing other awant artists, like Seurat, and Monet, he think his painting is beautiful, but for Theo, it's not good enough. Van Gogh spent so much time social with other avant artists, try to arrange exchanges with them, I think he is jealous those opening artists, and he couldn't make it like them. And then he moved out of Paris, go to Arles, south area of Frans, he see the beautiful landscapes, beautiful orchard flower trees, and he painted a lot landscapes, painted those beautiful spring flowers, his world back to be the lonely artist, i think his work is so much better than the time he was in Paris, because he started painting again, and he have a lot of new works recently, I think it's so much better to be an artist in real, rather than talking artist.
I was living in New York City for six months, just briefly, when Hao find a new job at American Bank in new york city, we moved there before the work started, to be prepared have a new life there, and i go to soho and chelse, to see those galleries, and i attended some openings i like, to see the artists talking, and to see the openings. I feel exciting because i perticipate, I printed a small book and carry it, and show it to people, even show it to a gallery owner, but he didn't react, because his gallery is open to the modern artists, not to traditional artists, and my work looks like old stuyle, out of date for him, so he didn't appreciate my work. And i want exhinbitions too! i want success too! I want to make money too! But I didn't. And then we left, we moved to Virginia, Washington DC area, and I checked galleries at DC area, they are on busy streets, but they are small. And i question myself: what you really want? Do you want to keep drawing everyday or do you want to be busy social with people everyday? I said to myself: I want to keep drawing everyday, by myself, even without gallery shows, without opportunities with people who knows it professionally, and I keep drawing. It has been 9 years since we moved here, Look back, what i have done? I have done so many beautiful works, it's like a harvest of a farmer. I think, big city, like pairs, or New York City, is stimulation, it's chance, it's shining, it's so beautiful, it's so exciting, your entire person will be changed like another person, competitive, willing to gain something, and you have to compete with so many others who want it too, especially young artists, until i understand myself. I am a shy person actually, I am a introvert person actually, I got nervous when talking with a crow. If i am riding my bicycle, I am facing a person in front of me, I say good moring to the person, but if it's a crow, I just look down, pass silently, without saying anything to htem, because I feel uncomfortable talking with a crowd, or talking in front of people. I am ok with you, because I feel familiar with you, so i can talk like this. So I tell you: the next 15 years i will be here every day, and do my work, and then when i am tired, i will go swimming some time.
a conversation between Melancholy and Tom on October first 2025 -- part 2:
Melancholy: your paintings are beautiful! i remember one of your work is looking at the world through the glass, I remembered it's a blue painting. It's very interesting see a little face in the glass. It's very interesting, it's very beautiful.
Tom: Ok, I don't remember that one, but there are a lot of them. I do the figure drawing class on Thursday, but I want to do something out of my imagination, it's bigger. We'll see.
Melancholy: Did you finish my portrait?
Tom: No, I am sorry.
Melancholy: Put it away, forget about it.
Tom: You have a home, and you have support from your husband, just keep making great artworks. Just stick with your ideas, stay 15 years, just draw. Because you know yourself now. You know that's what you want to do. You don't want to live in New York City, where you constantly run after vanity, trying to succeed, things like that. It's good that years just creating your artwork. just be comfortable, just do what you want to do.
Melancholy: Yes, that's what I want to do. How about you? What's your plan?
Tom: i don't think I have a plan. I am just keep trying to make more work. Right now, I haven't done much last year, because I am not in my house. I think I am going to back to my house some time, maybe in a few months. And I have to work all the time. I save as much money as I can. And I don't go out and buy expensive clothes. And then when I back to my house, there I have the big studio on the barn. Hopefully I can paint big pictures. I don't have strong opinions about what I want to do.
Melancholy: i think you will back to your house. You will make it! If you travel, where are you going?
Tom: i think I will choose a country where speaks English.
Melancholy: Are you going to go France? Go to Paris, and see the Louvre ？
Tom: Maybe, I'd like to do that. I would really like to do that.
Melancholy: We can go together.
Tom: That would be wonderful.
Melancholy: I also want to go to Spain, Madrid, I want to see Velázquez's paintings.
Tom: And Goya.
Melancholy: I don't like Goya.
Tom: What?
Melancholy: I don't like his painting and his printing. I don't like those nightmares etchings. It scares me, the atmosphere is scary.
Tom: Those are the ones I like most. I like Velázquez so much better.
Tom: But he just painting a lot of paintings just for money.
Melancholy: Is money a good thing or a bad thing?
Tom: There is a painting depicting a princess Maagrid, and her companions, and a dog, and the King and queen in the mirror.
Melancholy: Yes, it's a great work. It's tricky, as if you are looking at them inside the mirror, you are looking out everything from the mirror.
Tom: i love Goya. We have agrees and disagrees, that's fine.
Melancholy: I like his little Princess very much. The pink cheek, very cute, and eyes, and butterfly on her hair. I like his painting so much. Velázquez used to be my favorite artist, until i understand he is not, because i got that influence from an artist, Dan, in his book, Velázquez is his favorite artist. i read his book, and then i say: Velázquez is my favorite artist. And then I understood that's not true. I like his work and admire him a lot, but he is not my favorite artist. Right now i do not have a favorite artist anymore.
Tom: Well, you do your own, you could become your favorite artist.
Melancholy: Isn't it too selfish?
Tom: Probably.
Melancholy: But artists need to focus on themselves. So you could speak through your work, not with words, but with drawings. Let people understand your work, even from ignorant people, even from people who don't know who is Leonardo Da Vinci, but when they look at your work, they could feel the harmony, peaceful mood from the work, or from the frustration and sadness, desperation from the work. i think that's great. When my mother visit me, she saw a drawing of Leonrdo Da Vinci, she feel so peaceful. I am glad she understands his work. That's the charming of the work. Look at the Louvre, how many tourists visit Louvre every day? And how many of them don't know art at all? Just the audience, know a little bit, or do a little bit. It's ok to be seen by strangers. last week i hear people say that I am a minimal artist, I think about it, those are people never training in drawing, so whatever they say, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't feel get hurt, or I shouldn't feel frustrated or feel sad about it, because they may don't know art at all, they just say whatever. Because a lot of authorities, they don't make art anymore. They used to do it when they were art students. And then they gave it up, put it down, and just social, criticise people, deny a lot, it's absurd and it's terrible. And I didn't talk to them, because I don't want to. I want to draw quietly, without disturbance and torture. Because I am trying to concentrate my mind with my pencil.
a conversation between Melancholy and Tom on October 6 about Bin and Hao
Tom: Oh, I have a lot of things i regret. What about you?
Melancholy: I used to regret leaving my first boyfriend Bin, after break up, I regret a lot. After left him, i still love him so much. And then life keep going, I got married with Hao. And Hao treat me nicely, very warm and very carefully look after me, and think: oh, this is a good man for me, this is good enough for me. But sometimes i still miss my first boyfriend. I was in love with him for 8 years, we write letters for 8 years, he was my prince. I chase after him for some time, and then he agree to be my boyfriend. And he was my first sex, i was his first sex also, he didn't know how to do it, both people so young and didn't know how to sex, the first time. And then it hurts, it hurts for the first time, and I cried. Why I tell ypu this? He was a soldier, he was in high-school, playing foot-ball, and then he go to army became a soldier for 5 years. I visited him, and he said: you are so nice to me. And he has two daughters right now, sometimes I call him, talk for a while, but I know my reality is Hao, Hao is my husband right now, he is doing so well. he is supporting my art, let me keep drawing, not have to work, that's so much giving to me.
Tom: Yes, I known, you never give those first moments back, it's easy to regret things like that, it's good you find someone so nice to you.
Melancholy: At the beginning of the relationship with Hao, he brought food to my studio, when I was painting, I usually forgot to eat, and that's the first time I got someone look after me so nicely, and I feel so sweet, so nice, and I chose the young man to be my boyfriend. And then we get along for 2.5 years, and then i decided to marry him. I was the one asking marry. He was raised up in a poor family also, as me, I was in a low family. And he was in a small family, his parents were bicycle worker and nurse, his mother was a nurse, and his father was a bicycle maker. He worked in a factory, making bicycles. And he was in charge of making a part of it. I have made my mind, my life just like this, be with Hao, I treasure him, making breakfast for him every day, so he can have some food in his stomach before going to work. He looks after me, and i look after him also. Hao is a nice man. He is playing guitar right now.
Tom: That's nice, he has been playing guitar for a few years, right?
Melancholy: Yes, he played nicely. Self-taught, with Youtube videos. it's a good way to learn. Yes, he is a fast learner. He was the best student during school time. It's the final examination for all highschool students to go to university, and he was the first among the entire province.
Tom: Wow, that's impressive!
Melancholy: Almost perfect scores, he got into the best university of the country in Beijing, that's Tsinghua University, i got in from the artschool, that's how I met him. I got high school examination with art, and then with culture examination too. I was a winner in art part. And then we took a class together, we became teammates in a group, that's how I knew him. But at that time I was in relationship with my first boyfriend, Bin.So i didn't care him, didn't feel anything from him, because my heart was full of that young soldier. And then the last year of the school yard, I met him again at the library, and I think: oh, this young man is so nice. He is good enough for me. He can support my art. So I chose him and left my first boyfriend. I was a little judgeful and scornful at that time, and I regret my attitude a lot. If I didn't met Hao, I couldn't come to the United States, I couldn't visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I couldn't open my mind, I couldn't go to PAFA, do cast-drawing there, and decided just drawing entire life, that's a big decision for me. And I still keep the promise, keep drawing every day. So Hao changed me, Hao is the captain of my ship. i have a very small ship, a white ship, with a fan, and he is the captain.
Tom: That's good, I think you are in good hands.
announce:
Today is October 25th 2025, on Hao's birthday, I --- Melancholy (Xiong Xuan) announce myself with two of my recent drawings--- Demo 2 and Street-Musicians 2. I am a pencil drawing artist, working with pencil only, at my small-island studio. I announce that drawing is a independent way of expression, independent from painting and sculpture, it is a lone genre by itself. It is a new way. Leonardo Da Vinci draw beautifully, and Michelangelo draw beautifully, and Raphael draw beautifully too. They are my teachers, I learn from their work, by looking and by copying to study after these masters. I learn a lot from these earlier masters, I am so appreciate, but I also realize how different I am from any of them, including all contemporary artists now a day. I draw with cross-hatching, which started from etching, I extreme it push it to the end. My drawing is tonal, not line-drawing. And the way I do cross-hatching is gradually, the shadows show up a little by a little, not do the darkest dark right away, different from some charcoal artists. I notice Leonardo's figure drawings based on analyze and understanding, rather than direct observation, which is very beautiful, but misleading for learners. I realize that I am my own kind, I am a lone artist. What I am doing with my work is opening a new time: New Renaissance, which means learn from great masters, but create something new, something personal, is more emotional expression, just with drawing. I know, I have become a great artist, by now, I know i made it, I know I am a great artist now. I am so limited, but infinite also. i see something great from something subtle, turn daily work to be noble and meaningful. I will keep drawing, I will keep my word.
We visited Metropolitan Museum of Art this weekend. Here I share with you some paintings. All a sudden, I see so many paintings in front of my eyes, so beautiful, so amazing, I do not know which one to look at first. Except some familiar earlier masters, there are a lot more painters I don't know, their brushstroke, their color, sunny sunshine, their light and shadow, everything, everything so amazing! When I was an art-student, I used to learn painting, I still recall how it feels to mix colors on palate. You need to feel the color, tell yourself how to make it, and then use a palate-knife to mix it. It's very interesting. We started from the Middle-Ages paintings, a lot of works are religious, I like Lippi most, because his painting more look like drawings, the blurry shadowy part looks like sculpture in water, the atmosphere is there. It's not just a concept of any mother and baby, you can feel their emotion there. His Madonna is warm, not coldly like some religious figures. And then I see Corot, I like his figures in brown, his brown is gray, not jumping out of the piece, it stay where it should be. And then I see Chardin‘s work, a young man blowing bubble, it reminds me my childhood nicely. When we get to Impressionists area, Monet, Degas, Cézanne, Van Gogh........ their colorful little dots full of the sky and ground. You can tell their different personalities, some have more patience, like Pissaro; some are so much faster, like Van Gogh. I am reading a biography about him, he is very ill right now in a mental hospital. He got controlled, not always allowed to make art, but when he can, he painting like crazy fire flames, just like his pine trees, waving in the wind, the same as the clouds. When we came to modern art area, I walk very fast, I do not quite understand or agree with them, so i didn't spend much time there. I still so much more appreciate pictures more careful and more detail. Sometimes I think photographs are even better than drawings, because of its detail ability. Besides paintings, there are also a lot of sculptures, especially Greek and Roman, I like them very much. They are stone-man, but they can understand me. When I looking at their face, staring at their eyes, I feel like, they can read me like a book. It's like my drawing. I like something simple and beautiful, with a single color, like I make the bedding with orange, so the entire picture has a warm tone background. There is a fountain, with s lot of cents in it, I wonder how many people prayed there, I made a wish too, and I touched the water, let the water flowing on my fingers. I saw the same young Greek young man portrait again, I like him so much, and I still remember him. He has curved hair, and tender eyes, but his nose got cut off. Keep walking, there are a lot of mummy, it's like a horrible movie, I wonder if they could really save the death's soul. Egypt people did a lot of paintings on the wall, the proportions are all the same, rarely any change. Drawings are rarely shown here, maybe because there are a lot more painters rather than draftsman. I wish one day Met could collect some more beautiful drawings and show them. I admit some work made me mad, especially when they are trying to show their passion, or how smart they are. Last time when we visit Metropolitan Museum, it's 2 years agao, very nice memory. Thank you Met, thank you for offering so many amazing artworks. Thank you! by Melancholy on November 9, 2025, at NYC.
Here I tell you a little bit about myself: I was born in the suburb of Beijing, a small village, December 26th 1984, my mother told me it wasn't too much pain when berthing me, but it was a great deal of pain when she was berthing my elder sister, who is 4 years older than me, she was born in the year of monkey, and I was a little mouse. But it took so much care and love and painstakingly paying tuitions during my growing. My parents were local peasants, after all lands got overtaken by government, they raised sheep for some time, I still remember my mother used to hold a little lamp for me to draw it, I love that lamp portrait so much, I named it "Prince", but I lost that sketchbook unfortunately. My father was a carpenter, he actually built our house in traditional Chinese style, with red pillars and beautiful paintings on the wall, and he was always so proud about himself, keep bragging his house was the most beautiful building in the village, especially the front entrance looks extraordinarily, I love my father, I was his proud. And then my parents became butchers, they sold pork in farmers market, they lived harshly for the sake for me and my sister, I didn't realize how heavy money could be until I was the one to carry 8000 Yuan tuition to my high school, from that moment on I started studying hard, and finally made my goal --- I got in Tsinghua University the art academy, which is the best of my country, I studied 4 years there, 2003--2007, in painting major, of course, we had drawing classes also, I started my cross-hatching style since then, but at that time, I wasn't aware of it yet. Actually I started very early in my life, about 9 or 10 years old, I told my mother when I grow up I want to be a great artist, and my mother brought me to Children's Palace, registered in a traditional painting class with Wang, that is a big-belly man with thick beard, his work usually about mountains, cloud-seas, trees and rivers and stoned village tableaus, he was always smiling watching us, he even still remember my childhood portrait of my grandpa lying on bed, he cried when I revisited him. I was new to this world, and it seems there are so many interesting things attracted me, I feel exciting when drawing them, just sketch line drawings, I remember there was once I caught a big insect with wings, and I drew it, and anther time I was drawing white autumn flowers overnight, my mother surprised to see me still drawing there when she got up in the morning. During my mid-school, I was already a little woman, and I fell in love with a young man, he was very lovely and handsome by the way, I thought I was going to marry him when graduated, we were writing letters for 8 years until there was a moment I realized I need to end the relationship for my art, I was very sad about it and regret sometimes, I was drawing him and draw a seaside view showing us sitting side by side, hand in hand, watching the vast sea, that's what I imagined the love scene. During University time, I was reading art history and a lot of literatures, both Chinese and Western, and I fell in love with Vincent Van Gogh, I copied his paintings day after day, I got attracted by his brilliant colors and audacious compositions, when I read his biography, I noticed the frequency of his creation, especially during the time when he was living in the south area of France, he made paintings every day, almost every single day a new piece of art, I love his sun-flowers, I love his starry starry night, I love his battered shoes, I love his flowers and I love his letters with Theo. At that time I was fancying going abroad, especially go to France, go to the countryside where Millet was, when I realized my family couldn't afford that, I cried silently when I was painting, I cried and cried until the moment I accepted reality. But I didn't know one day I would be in America, and see the great Metropolitan Museum of Art, that's because of my husband, my Theo in my life, as He got enrolled in PSU as a PHD student, he brought me to the United States. He is my best friend and faithful supporter, listener and reader, I sincerely appreciate every single day with him, he let me feel so safe and stable, and encourages me keeping doing my art, I am happy with him, I swear wouldn't leave him after I left the art school in Philadelphia, PAFA, the Pennsylvania Academy of the fine arts, I was studying there for 2 years, like Mary Cassatt did, I was standing in the middle of the tremendous cast-hall, I was dumbfounded by the beauty of those ancient sculptures, and I decided only draw, only do drawings for the rest of my life, my favorite cast-drawing during that time was named "Joey", it's a 14th century early Renaissance relief, it's 3 angles walking towards temple, the girl in the front was holding hands together in front of her chest, as if she is holding something, but there is nothing in her hands, I think it's sincerity, the drawing was made to trying to prevent a professor about absent for a year from the school, I wanted to give my drawing to him to not let him go... that's my most beautiful drawing I ever done, 10 years later, I did a copy of it, with orange pencil, but it couldn't reach the height I used to be. I think about the reason of it, it was because I was completely engaged in it, and that was the first time I perceived the relief, the simple beauty and the elegant lines attracted me. i did it on coffee-colored cardboard, and then glue it on gray cardboard, to show the wall color. Now I recall how I was during the two years there, I was always drawing, I was so proud and even arrogant somehow, time was flying so fast.I.got inspired by my drawing teacher Michael Grimaldi, I still think, even now, still think his drawings was the most beautiful works among the academy teachers, I recorded when he was teaching me, and then I was trying to understand him, why he was talking so fast? That's fascinating for me. I admired him and appreciated him. For several years he was my inspirations and he was my communication in mind, I was talking to him and wanted to talk to him, I even didn't know thoughts may flowing like a stream, or one day, it may suddenly stop. Right now I am an independent artist, working alone, at my small-island studio, which is actually just my little apartment, my sweat home with my sweat husband Hao. I only make drawings, but i may break for a moment to do some landscapes paintings with my early hero Vincent Van Gogh, that would be after i finish my current work, it's Street-musicians, 280 by 60 inches, pencil on paper, I spent about half a year to start it, right now, it's going to be detailed, and it will need about another half a year to finish, I like it so far it's still looks very light, orange toned paper makes it seems brown toned. Right now I live in Virginia, for 8 years, I finished a group of fabric studies, two sets of studio interiors, and a series of street musicians. Art is not easy, it takes so long to be able to be preparatory, to be able to make a shape correctly, and then you need to practice a lot to be yourself, to find your way, and to put down whoever used to be significant for you, no matter who they are, either it's a great master in the art history, or it's a earlier art teacher, right now, I am the artist, and I have to make my own art my own way, completely by myself!. So please understand I need a quiet studio environment, so that I can concentrate my mind with my pencil, so that I can feel my work is going on with my hand, it's very very important, so please leave me space, let me draw by myself, let me be totally engaged with my work, I am a great artist, i started my art-learning since my girlhood, and I still stick on with it now, i know I have very sensitive talent about light and shadow illusions, I am making something great now, so please let me draw, I feel desperate about my reality situation, but now I really appreciate I could make my art here, without have to find a job. For those friendly people who like my work, I will update my drawings on my website often, so you could see, sometimes when I have something to say, I will write essays, so you could know me a little better. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me, thank you. by Melancholy Xiong Xuan 2025-3-17
About my art: I am a pencil-work artist, because I swear to make drawing only, and the reason for that because I like the texture of pencil, like sand by seaside, I walk there, feel the sand underneath my feet, leaving footsteps behind me. I work with mechanical pencil, because it save me time to sharp it, and because it can reach max level of fineness, especially when it's a classical art theme, for example, my "Street-Musicians" series. I do cross-hatching gradually, rather then put darkest dark immediately, I perceive light and shadow gradually, especially the strongest contrast between light and shadow, it takes time to understand why somewhere looks stronger than elsewhere, it's the earliest lesson I learnt since childhood, which is if the light comes from right, then the shadow will be on the opposite direction, the farther it's distant from the light-source, the weaker it appears, and contours under the dark areas will be blurry, as it retreating into the background. I do not use cotton or stump to smear pencil marks, I just build up with my mechanical pencil, because I prefer leave some texture of cross-hatching on the paper. My drawing paper are board mat using in frame-shop, it's strong enough to let me do cross-hatching for 50 layers. I do vertically and diagonally, and then I turn my paper horizontally, to be able to do cross-hatching from the opposite direction. Gradually I have trained my eyes to continue working when it's turned horizontally. I love my printing pictures, it teaches me to observe carefully, and be patient during working. I know there are differences between photos and actual drawings, and I do not try to mimic to be the same as what I trying to learn, especially when some contours look so sharp that it must look like a paper-cut if I make the shape sharply, that's where I decided to smear the contours, to make it fading away and retreating back until disappeared gradually, so that you could feel the space around the figure. I love classical paintings, especially the Renaissance period of time, I got amazed by the calm, peaceful, serenely mood in the pictures, including Greek sculptures can refract the atmosphere of something holy and beautiful. I noticed in classical paintings, there are blurry contours retreating around the figures, to step back into the darker background. I always darken the background to be darker gray, because in reality, no matter where I look at, there are backgrounds around whatever I am looking at, and there is no absolute whiteness background, so I darken the sky and the foreground darker, gradually, of course. The areas the feet stepping on will be dramatically dark, it's the darkest dark in the picture. I still haven't figure out darkest dark mixed with oil, the technique is unknown for me, I put it aside right now, I will find the way later on. I do not like charcoal and white chalk, because my logic is the build up light and shadow effect gradually, and indirectly, rather than dark with charcoal at once, also because I do not like make powders full of my hand. In order to protect my drawing during work, I put a transparent plastic paper on top, fix with clips on top, so it wouldn't got blurred unnoticed. I keep my drawings with me, because sometimes I miss a specific piece, so I took it up, mount it on the wall, and take a look, sometimes redraw it or make some changes. Just like right now, I hang my earlier 5 years ago work, and still make necessary changes, looking at those faces and figures I did, I still feel the passion I used to travel with. Each drawing is a gurney. I wouldn't try to sell my work right now, because I am accumulating works right now, so far I have finished one fifth of my goal, I still have 200 drawing papers, I will finish each piece with all my effort and sincerity, as I promised to my pencil "Pinky" I will continue my career, no matter there is applause or not, no matter it is a glory or gloomy in front, I will do my work all by myself, until I am ready for my exhibition some day. I see hope in my work, I know it's not easy all the way until here, so much difficulties and harsh time had passed, I see a glory sun warming my heart, with tears. My aim is to become a great artist, how to define it then? I think the answer is simple: a great artist who can makes great artworks. I am a conservative person, I wouldn't do modern art, my art is very limited, but within the limitness I have found infinite meanings, that's why I am still so eager with every single pencil mark I put on paper. I like modern art too, so beautiful and creative, but I choose to make my art my own way. My goal is to draw better than Leonardo DaVinci, I believe I can make it some day. So when I am drawing another 30 years, I look back, as I sifting through my works, I could proudly point out some masterpieces. I know I can do well, or badly, through time, I will make progress, and I will feel the depth of artwork like in blurry water. When I am swimming, I feel released from the pressure of my art, just like take a break, doing something completely different. I am learning a book about Van Gogh with an audible book, I need to stimulate my thoughts a little, so that my mind wouldn't hover in old memories, especially some hurtful ones. As long as there is no war, it's a nice day, and my normal working day is the greatest gift for my life. I thank who made it for me. I thank you, who care about me and checking my website sometimes. I love you Josh, I made a Chinese name for you: 小泽 handwriting by Melancholy Xiong Xuan on April 25, 2025.
Here I share with you some earlier sketches 20 years ago sketches, in "Hello Kitty" file, I feel nicely when looking at my earlier work. i wish to continue my drawing until 89, just like Michelangelo, he was keeping sculpting until end of his life, he is my hero. I wish by end of my life, when I looking back my lifelong drawings, I will feel content and peacefully, how is it going to feel like? I wish a solo exhibition at my dream museum--- The Metropolitan Museum of Art, I wish my drawing could be good enough, I wish my work could match the top museum, I will feel proud of myself again, just like how I felt when I was 26 years old, when I was doing cast-drawing at the cast-hall of PAFA for Josh, with green clips, at that moment I was a line drawing with a early Renaissance relief, I decided only draw, so I put down painting brush and pallet, but I may pick it up, since earlier masters had done tones of beautiful works, so I can learn from their works, and I may like painting again. I may feel tired, like any body else, I may tired, so I may take a break, and then I will back to my easel, open my pencil-case, and start my drawing day. i am thankful for my Theo-- Hao still supporting me, and I appreciate you like my drawings, that becomes encouragement for my career, some time when I could make my solo exhibition at the Met, I will invite you to come and look at my work, sincerely, thank you. by Melancholy Xiong Xuan on 2024-12-27
Mealncholy's essays part-2