我不喜欢人生来就不平等，你的血液、你的遗传、你的认知、你的天赋和对生命及艺术的感悟，这一切从一开始就注定了不平等，同一架飞机上为什么一等舱的座位要比三等舱要宽敞舒适很多？为什么伟大的艺术家似乎被神保佑筛选了一般要是个天赋迥异的男子，而且似乎从童年开始他便知道了自己的命运，就像米开朗基罗那样，终身为艺术而献身真到生命的终点？为什么长久以来我对素描的理解仅仅停留在用单线勾勒的轮廓，就像一张速写，没有任何一个老师告诉我素描是什么？直到有一天我终于注意到达芬奇的圣母子像水中的泥塑般似乎浑浑噩噩、含糊不清的明暗，朦胧的但是深刻而准确的光影，还注意到那幅画的尺寸几乎是life-sized，直到那时我才理解黑白灰的舞蹈是形体在空间中的旋转或是静止，不光暗部的明暗交界线会融化，亮部的轮廓线也会发光，似乎有萤火虫在引导她们，在黑暗中发出浅绿色的光。为什么出生贫寒家庭的孩子不应该学习艺术？说什么应该先解决温饱再谈论形而上的文学和艺术？为什么艺术是上等社会的娱乐所以下等人不应该触碰？我从很小的时候就梦见过一幅橘色方块的油画，从那时起我就爬上我家房顶画夕阳灿烂的晚霞，从baby时候开始我的爸爸妈妈就非常爱我，还有一个一直都很照顾我的小姐姐。那个时代决定了他们只能是社会的底层，我妈妈高中的时候是班级里的第一名，但是赶上了知青下乡，她的大学梦就成了泡影，所以当她手捧着我的大学录取通知书的时候，她激动得都哭了，好像我替她实现了大学梦。我的父母用他们微薄的肩膀扛起我们的家，当我告诉妈妈我喜欢画画的时候，他们没有砍断我的艺术的翅膀，而是把我送去县城里的少年宫，在那里我接受了启蒙教育，度过了一个快乐的童年。只可惜最开始的那些画都遗失了，我在我家墙上画的人物，鼻子中间只有一个鼻子眼儿。童年的时光像一颗晶莹的琥珀一样凝固了那个瞬间。我生来就是女孩，我不可能再重新出生一遍成为男儿身，我也不想结束此生，重新投胎在一个富贵的家庭，我喜欢现在的自己，我喜欢现在的生活，我喜欢我的画室，我喜欢画完了一天的功课后，骑着我的小红自行车出去转转，我也喜欢我的有小鱼图案的游泳衣，我还喜欢每天可以听听聪明的一休作为我一天的开始，还喜欢画画的间隙里吃点好吃的蝴蝶酥，还喜欢还喜欢好多好多……数也数不完。我不想现在就死掉，然后重新投胎为人，我珍惜现在的自己，艺术家的手需要从小时候起便开始练习手感，需要从小时候开始直至终生都不停的积累，对素描的感悟也好，对铅笔的控制也好，都是一点一滴的积累起来的，没有人能一下子就能画得像拉斐尔一样美，所有的努力都是值得的和有意义的。所以不要看不起自己，也不要埋怨父母没有给你更好的生活，在成长的过程中潜移默化的不知道学会了多少，所以人要心存感恩之心。我的妈妈上个月去世了，我决定画一张她的肖像来纪念她，她的性格里的天真、善良、温柔、耐心都遗传给了我，所以我才能跑画画的马拉松。我今年40岁整，我清楚的知道自己的坚强和敏感的心是最可贵的，心如磐石，毫不动摇。在接下来的一个decade里面，是纯粹的画画创作的时光。如果您喜欢我的作品，可以用一个大屏幕电视来看我的网站xiongxuan.net和用手机看的体验完全不同，您可以买一根导线把电脑和大屏幕电视链接起来，就能看到我的画了。自从我注意到达芬奇的圣母子几乎是lifesized的时候，我注意到画大幅的要比小幅的难很多，也要求更多的细致和工夫。我就告诉自己：长城也不是一天就造好的，也是一块砖一块砖地垒起来的，所以不用着急，慢慢来，一定会完成的。我记得我在念清华美院大一的时候，有一回陈老师握着我的手，和我说：有志者事竟成，只是慢慢来。陈老师，谢谢你，现在我明白你的意思了。我常想起一个芭蕾舞者对自己说的话：一天不练，自己知道；两天不练，同行知道；三天不练，观众知道。我也时常这样勉励自己。我记得陈老师还对我说：选择画画可以，但是你要付出代价。我现在听懂了。我选择不生孩子，把时间留给我的画笔。因为抚养孩子是全身心的付出和关爱，是重重的责任，和无比的快乐，这是我人生的缺失。我不能体会作妈妈是怎样的感受了。我在飞机场看到的孩子们，个个都很可爱，playful + happy. 不过我可以画他们，我很想画一幅哇哇大哭的小脸，满脸流淌着无辜的眼泪。我一直都喜欢德加画的芭蕾舞女，素描手稿、色粉笔和油画，都很喜欢，因为他画出了人物的真，他指着背景中那些作为陪衬的女孩们说这些小耗子没有未来，我懂他的意思，他是说她们因为太贫寒而没有希望，但是我不同意，看她们一个个穿着tutu、粉色的舞鞋、腰里系着蓝色的大蝴蝶结，那种青春的美和梦想，多么美好，多么让人羡慕，能在练功房的大镜子前面转一转就很有感觉，不是吗？宣宣给我看她画的卡通，我很后悔告诉她：画画不止是看你的手头工夫，很大程度上是要看你的家庭背景和社会关系。所以宣宣就没有选择选择画画这条路。我很后悔和她说了这样残忍的话，其实能学习画画的过程本身就是无比的快乐，就好像那些漂亮的小姑娘们穿上雪白的tutu一大大、二大大、三大大、四大大，跟着老师跳起来。就像灰姑娘站在舞台中间旋转，赢得了王子的心。没有人看不起她，所有的人，所有的小动物，所有的spirits都喜欢她，她虽然卑微，可是生命的光彩如晶莹的露珠，映出一个透明的梦。所以我不觉得不平等，我一直觉得自己是被blessed. 是的，是我的family 和善意的出现在我生命里的人们，还有你，小泽，谢谢你为我付出了那么多。你记不记得这是我给你起的中文名字：小泽。你喜欢吗？by Melancholy Xiong Xuan 宣雄 2025-8-12.

​Melancholy's hand-writing translate for people who do not know how to use google translate, on 2025-8-23: I do not like people are unfair since born, your blood, your genetics, your sense of knowledge, your talent, as well as your knowing about art, everything are different since born, why the first-class seat is far much more comfortable than third-class seat on the same airplane? Why great artist must be a blessed, selected man with dramatic talent, and it seems like he knows it since childhood, like Michelangelo devoted to art until end of his life? Why for so long the drawing I understand just limited as single line contours, just like a sketch, why nobody tell me what drawing is? Until one day I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is like a clay sculpture falling in water, it's blurry and ambiguous, but the dark shadow is deep and exact, and I also noticed that it is almost life-sized, until then I understand the dancing of black and white is the turning of form in space, turning or still, not only the dark determination will melt in darkness, the contour of light areas will change too, seems like firefly is leading them, sending light-green light in darkness. Why poor child in poor family shouldn't learn art? Why people say that the first thing should be food and clothing on basic level, and thereby they shouldn't talk about literature and art? Why they also say that art is entertainment for first-class, thereby third-class people shouldn't touch it? I dreamed of a painting of an orange cube since young, from then i climb the roof of my home to draw the beautiful sunset with pastel, my parents loved me so much since beginning, and I have a little sister looking after me since I was young. Because of that time, they could only become the lowest level of society, my mother was the first-prize in her high-school class, but she had to back home be a peasant, so her college-dream becomes a illusion, so she cried when holding my college information letter in hands, as if I made it for her. My parents carry along our little home with their thin shoulders, when I told my mother that I like drawing, they didn't cut down my wing of art, instead, they bring me to Children's Palace, I got the beginning education of art there, and I had a happy childhood there. It's a pity my beginning drawings are lost, I still remember my first drawings on the wall, the figures have only one nostril in the middle. The time of childhood seems like a transparent amber holding that moment. i am a girl since born, it's impossible to be born again to be a male, and I do not want to stop this current living, and be reborn again in a rich family, I like my current myself, I like my current life, I like my little studio, I like riding my little red bicycle around after I finish my drawing for today, I like my swimming suit with fish on it, and I like listening touching music at the beginning of the day, and when I am take a break, I can take a delicious cookie looks like a butterfly, and I like a lot more ……I even couldn't count them. I don't want to die now, and then be born again as a new baby, i treasure myself now, artist's hands need practice since young, no matter the sense of art, or the control of pencil, it's articulation from little by little, nobody can draw like Raphael all a sudden, all efforts are worthy and meaningful. So don't look down yourself, and don't complain your parents didn't give you a better environment, you learn a lot when growing up, that's why people should learn to be grateful. My mother died last month, and I decide do a small portrait for her, I got her kind, tenderness and patience from her personality, that's why I could run marathon of art. I am 40 years old now, I know it's so precious to have courage and will, my heart is like a stone, unmovable and still. In the following decade, it's going to be pure drawing time. If you really like my art, you can look at my drawings on my website on a big screen TV, it's a quite different experience from cellphone checking, you can buy a connection-wire connect your TV and your computer, so you can see my drawings now. Since I notice Leonardo Da Vinci's drawing is life-sized, I notice it's so much more difficult to draw large size than smaller size, and it requires more careful attention and time. So I tell myself: the great-wall is not finished within one day, it's accumulation of one brick after another brick, so don't be hurry, it will be done by time, it will be finished. I remember the first year of my university time, Dan holding my hands, told me that i appreciate your courage, but be yourself in time. Thank you, Dan, now I see what you mean. I remember a ballerina's words often, she said: one day not practice, you know; two days not practicing, your classmates know; three days not practicing, audience know. I encourage myself like this often. Dan also told me: you can choose art, but you have to pay price. I choose not to have a child, leaving all my time for my pencil. because it's a great deal of time and care to raise up a child, and it's severe heaviness of responsibility, and it's unparalleled happiness, it is a loss of my life. I couldn't experience how it feels to be a mother any more. I saw some children at the airport, they are playful and happy, and very cute. But I can draw them, I want to draw a little face crying, full of innocent tears. I like Degas' work all the time, drawings, pastels or paintings, i like them all, because he described their sincere heart, he pointing to the little girls in the background, say, these little rats do not have future, I know what he mean, he is saying they do not have hope due to their poverty. But I don't agree, look at them, everyone is wearing pink tutu, pink ballet-shoes, tie a big butterfly on the waist, how nicely the beauty of being young, how envious they are, you can feel a lot by just turning around in front of the dancing mirror, isn't it? Xuanxuan show me her sketch cartoon, I am so regret telling her: they do not only looking at your hand ability, they also check your family background and social relationships, so Xuanxuan didn't chose the art road. I am so regret telling so, actually, learning art itself is very happy, just like those happy girls on beautiful dress, turning around in front of the big mirror, just like the cinderella dancing in the middle of the stage, win the prince's heart. All people, all little animals, all spirits like her, even though she is minimal, but the glory of life shining like a dew, seems like a transparent dream. So I do not think it's unfair, for all the time, I feel like I am blessed, yes, it's my family and those friendly people entered into my life. by Melancholy 2025-8-23.

Street Musicians -4 footprints